Mr Brain and His Questionable Meatballs
20/11/08 14:53 Filed in: Random
Ok, I've been saving this one, it's the best yet.
No, it's not photoshopped, it's not from a foreign supermarket, I found it in none other than my local Morrisons.
Just to clarify: a faggot is a traditional British dish similar to a meatball. I don't know if there could be anything more wrong with Mr Brain's variety. The fact that they're called "Mr Brain's 4 Pork Faggots" couldn't get much worse, and I don't even want to know what the "rich west country sauce" might be.
I wonder if they've considered a re-brand. Better 50 years late than never.
Wiki: Faggot (food)
Anyone dare me to eat one?
No, it's not photoshopped, it's not from a foreign supermarket, I found it in none other than my local Morrisons.
Just to clarify: a faggot is a traditional British dish similar to a meatball. I don't know if there could be anything more wrong with Mr Brain's variety. The fact that they're called "Mr Brain's 4 Pork Faggots" couldn't get much worse, and I don't even want to know what the "rich west country sauce" might be.
I wonder if they've considered a re-brand. Better 50 years late than never.
Wiki: Faggot (food)
Anyone dare me to eat one?
|
Those Pesky Quarter Niners
11/11/08 18:18 Filed in: Random
Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining
26/10/08 12:27 Filed in: Stories
This story starts out very bad, but has a very happy ending.
Yesterday, I had to clean up puke. Some little kid decided to throw up on A&C and I got the job of cleaning it because I could handle the sight and smell without throwing up myself. I don’t mind, I’ve cleaned up some kids piss before and it’s not like I have to get down and lick it. I better get used to that kinda stuff anyway, I’ll be no good as a nurse if I’m squeamish. The mother even offered to clean it up but I was like: No! Just get your child home before it pukes on anything else.
So I got to work mopping up what looked like tuna chunks and put up 3 yellow caution signs around the wet floor...but guess what. Only about half a dozen people out of all the customers in A&C over the period of half an hour actually took any notice of the signs.
Customer coming through, make way! A wet floor? Caution? Don’t be so ridiculous! I’m going to walk through here with the same cavalier attitude I always have when I go shopping.
So I stood there and warned people myself. I didn’t have to, our asses were covered with the safety signs so if anyone decided to take a dive, they wouldn’t have a law suit leg to stand on....literally. I just thought it would save a lot of trouble in the long run if I prevented an accident, rather than having to prove a customer wrong after one. We know they don’t like that.
These are a few highlights in the monotony of stupidity:
A 3 year old boy came racing down the aisle and I practically had to catch him to stop him. He then tries to walk back over the wet floor when his dad behind him tells him not to before proceeding to push a trolley over it himself.
You gotta be careful, son. We don’t want you falling and hurting yourself. You wait there. But it’s ok for Daddy to walk over it. Daddy’s older. He’s got further to fall and his bones are brittler.
And I was the one who got the dirty look for having the nerve to speak to his child in the first place! Great example of bad parenting right there. Nice work!
Another man comes up to me and asks “Could you get something down for me from the wall, or go and find someone who can?”.
Do you realise what you just said? How fucking short-sighted can you be? I still have to leave to go and get someone!
So I went to help him, and ended up dropping a plastic box on him from height, scoring 10 points. A hit on the head gets you 50 points.
A little while later, when the floor was nearly dry, I was approached by the little boy from earlier who wanted to know if he could walk that way yet. I said he’d have to walk around the right side of the signs, as that side was dry now. He interrogated me further before being called back by his father again, and when I looked up I saw a woman laughing in the aisle opposite. She comes up to me and says “That was hilarious. ‘Can I go this way? Can I go that way?’. It was so funny”.
At first I didn’t know she was referring to the little boy and I told her I was surprised by how many people ignore the caution signs. We had a bit of a laugh and she said “You could stand there all day and do psychological studies”. I thought: you do not know how close you are.
Later, I saw her again and she said to her mother “This is the girl that had to put up with that boy. You did very well. I don’t think I would have been as nice”.
I would like to thank this woman for being so understanding, and for giving me a laugh at a time when I needed it most. It was a Saturday, I’d just cleaned up sick, and my faith in humanity was reaching an all time low. Her, and her mother, were a joy to serve and they’ve delayed my trip to the psych ward for a little longer.
They deserve the Best Customers of All Time Award.
And they made it look so easy. How come ever other customer finds it so difficult?
Yesterday, I had to clean up puke. Some little kid decided to throw up on A&C and I got the job of cleaning it because I could handle the sight and smell without throwing up myself. I don’t mind, I’ve cleaned up some kids piss before and it’s not like I have to get down and lick it. I better get used to that kinda stuff anyway, I’ll be no good as a nurse if I’m squeamish. The mother even offered to clean it up but I was like: No! Just get your child home before it pukes on anything else.
So I got to work mopping up what looked like tuna chunks and put up 3 yellow caution signs around the wet floor...but guess what. Only about half a dozen people out of all the customers in A&C over the period of half an hour actually took any notice of the signs.
Customer coming through, make way! A wet floor? Caution? Don’t be so ridiculous! I’m going to walk through here with the same cavalier attitude I always have when I go shopping.
These are a few highlights in the monotony of stupidity:
A 3 year old boy came racing down the aisle and I practically had to catch him to stop him. He then tries to walk back over the wet floor when his dad behind him tells him not to before proceeding to push a trolley over it himself.
You gotta be careful, son. We don’t want you falling and hurting yourself. You wait there. But it’s ok for Daddy to walk over it. Daddy’s older. He’s got further to fall and his bones are brittler.
And I was the one who got the dirty look for having the nerve to speak to his child in the first place! Great example of bad parenting right there. Nice work!
Another man comes up to me and asks “Could you get something down for me from the wall, or go and find someone who can?”.
Do you realise what you just said? How fucking short-sighted can you be? I still have to leave to go and get someone!
So I went to help him, and ended up dropping a plastic box on him from height, scoring 10 points. A hit on the head gets you 50 points.
A little while later, when the floor was nearly dry, I was approached by the little boy from earlier who wanted to know if he could walk that way yet. I said he’d have to walk around the right side of the signs, as that side was dry now. He interrogated me further before being called back by his father again, and when I looked up I saw a woman laughing in the aisle opposite. She comes up to me and says “That was hilarious. ‘Can I go this way? Can I go that way?’. It was so funny”.
At first I didn’t know she was referring to the little boy and I told her I was surprised by how many people ignore the caution signs. We had a bit of a laugh and she said “You could stand there all day and do psychological studies”. I thought: you do not know how close you are.
Later, I saw her again and she said to her mother “This is the girl that had to put up with that boy. You did very well. I don’t think I would have been as nice”.
I would like to thank this woman for being so understanding, and for giving me a laugh at a time when I needed it most. It was a Saturday, I’d just cleaned up sick, and my faith in humanity was reaching an all time low. Her, and her mother, were a joy to serve and they’ve delayed my trip to the psych ward for a little longer.
They deserve the Best Customers of All Time Award.
And they made it look so easy. How come ever other customer finds it so difficult?
McDonalds Walk-thru
07/10/08 18:22 Filed in: Random
There was a local annual fireworks display on this weekend. We arrived a bit late and only managed to catch the last half of the last display, and only got that far by making the car run on fumes (we’re an organsied bunch), so afterwards we had to pull over and use the emergency diesel that was in the boot.
Where we pulled up was opposite a McDonalds that usually operated a drive-thru but, in honour of the event and all the pedestrians, had converted it into a walk-thru.
I thought it was hilarious, even though I was really craving a McDonalds at the time and wasn’t prepared to get out the car.
A novel...and silly idea.
Where we pulled up was opposite a McDonalds that usually operated a drive-thru but, in honour of the event and all the pedestrians, had converted it into a walk-thru.
I thought it was hilarious, even though I was really craving a McDonalds at the time and wasn’t prepared to get out the car.
A novel...and silly idea.
Book Review: The Customer Is Always Wrong by Jeff Martin
30/09/08 19:54 Filed in: Random
While non-retail workers will find this an insightful read into the life of the lowly store clerk, for past and present retail workers it captures some of our most common customer encounters in an entertaining and almost endearing way.
It also contains tales of the not so ordinary-like Jim DeRegogatis’ visits to Al Rocky’s Music Store, and Wendy Spero’s stint of selling knives door-to-door.
Some stories are quirky, some contemptuous, and one left me in total disbelief, but most confirm that no matter what State you're in, customers remain the same.
There's the asshole customers, crazy customers, and James Wagner's customers with projects (which I get all too often), all following trends they're not even aware of, featherbrained as soon as they walk in the door.
Not all are quick to discredit their time served in retail though, or the fascinating people, customers and colleagues alike, that they met along the way.
Hilarious from the off, I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It's one of the few where I even bothered to read the foreword and introduction. So many familiar thoughts are there, and I found myself smiling and thinking to myself "Yes. Yes, I get that too".
Regardless of whether you’ve worked in retail or not, or even what country you live in, as I can say most stories are true for customers in the UK as well as the US, I would highly recommend this book. There’s some hard-earned lessons in this book that everyone needs to know.
The Customer Is Always Wrong: The Retail Chronicles is available in the US from Amazon.com, Powells.com and Booksense.com. RRP: $12.95
It is also available in the UK from Amazon.co.uk, but there's quite a lengthy dispatch period.
See www.softskull.com for more details, and also an excerpt from the book.
Argos-A Narnia of Household Goods
30/09/08 19:01 Filed in: Random
The Chronicles Of George
29/09/08 12:56 Filed in: Random
I was reminded of this site “The Chronicles of George” which showcases some of the troubleshooting tickets sent from George in helpdesk support to our narrator in desktop support. George obviously isn’t his real name, but even working in helpdesk support for a year didn’t improve his knowledge of computers, or even his grasp of the english language.
It’s hard to believe some of the things he says but it is hilarious. Worth a look.
It’s hard to believe some of the things he says but it is hilarious. Worth a look.
ROFLrazzi
16/09/08 23:11 Filed in: Random
If you’re not a follower of icanhascheezburger or ihasahotdog, then a) why?!, and b) you won’t know the makers have introduced a new site called ROFLrazzi, where you can add captions to pictures of celebs and screenshots from films and TV shows.
Funnier than I thought it would be, my favourite so far is this one:
(Stargate SG1 and Atlantis happen to be my most favourite TV shows ever!)
So go and check out ROFLrazzi. This ones definitely going on my blogroll.
Funnier than I thought it would be, my favourite so far is this one:
(Stargate SG1 and Atlantis happen to be my most favourite TV shows ever!)
So go and check out ROFLrazzi. This ones definitely going on my blogroll.
Apple Mocks Their Own EasyPay
15/09/08 12:15 Filed in: Random
This is a funny video made by some employees at the LA Apple Store about their EasyPay system. I was looking for this because rumour had it that everyone involved got fired. Wrong! Apparently this is an internal video for Apple and not intended for public viewing, but I thought it was funny anyway.
(Update: The video was not commissioned by Apple, but they thought it was so good, they used it during the widespread roll-out of EasyPay. If you still don’t know what EasyPay is, maybe you should watch the video :D)
The Lighter Side of Retail
07/09/08 22:55 Filed in: Stories
When food we’re selling goes out of date, we demic it and usually eat it ourselves. We only sell chocolate and sweets like Haribo so it’s not going to do us any harm, but recently the warehouse staff have been hoarding all the demic chocolate for themselves. A few weeks ago about 5 bags of those little Smartie boxes were written off and the warehouse managed to work their way through 3 bags before we got to them.
But instead of just eating them, we took the opportunity to mess with the warehouse staff for being so greedy. A colleague and I emptied all the Smarties into a lunchbox, folded all the boxes back up again and put them back like nothing had happened. Then I went and hid the Smarties somewhere so we could eat them at our leisure. The warehouse staff didn’t say anything about it to us but they eventually tracked down the lunchbox and scoffed the lot!
Not funny.
So, today we found two carrier bags of Mint Aero Bubbles and chocolate bars hidden in their desk. We (the same colleague and I) ate a packet of Bubbles, taped it to a piece of paper and wrote “Thanks! They were delicious. Bye losers!” and pinned it to their desk. We were planning to hide the bags in a much better hiding place than last time but before we could, the manager caught us.
“What you doin’?!”
“Just hiding something.”
“What it is?”
“Chocolate.”
“Whose is it?”
“It’s from the warehouse.”
“Give it here.”
And then he stamps on it...a lot.
“Here, give it to them now.”
I was wetting myself. I don’t really like mint chocolate so I wasn’t sorry to see it get crushed. We went back and hid it on the seat of their fork lift so they might even end up sitting on it as well, lol.
Ahhh, I had fun today.
But instead of just eating them, we took the opportunity to mess with the warehouse staff for being so greedy. A colleague and I emptied all the Smarties into a lunchbox, folded all the boxes back up again and put them back like nothing had happened. Then I went and hid the Smarties somewhere so we could eat them at our leisure. The warehouse staff didn’t say anything about it to us but they eventually tracked down the lunchbox and scoffed the lot!
Not funny.
So, today we found two carrier bags of Mint Aero Bubbles and chocolate bars hidden in their desk. We (the same colleague and I) ate a packet of Bubbles, taped it to a piece of paper and wrote “Thanks! They were delicious. Bye losers!” and pinned it to their desk. We were planning to hide the bags in a much better hiding place than last time but before we could, the manager caught us.
“What you doin’?!”
“Just hiding something.”
“What it is?”
“Chocolate.”
“Whose is it?”
“It’s from the warehouse.”
“Give it here.”
And then he stamps on it...a lot.
“Here, give it to them now.”
I was wetting myself. I don’t really like mint chocolate so I wasn’t sorry to see it get crushed. We went back and hid it on the seat of their fork lift so they might even end up sitting on it as well, lol.
Ahhh, I had fun today.
RT Temporarily Turns Into Retail Droid.
16/08/08 22:07 Filed in: Stories
This morning the duty manager came into work still drunk. No surprise, it happenes every weekend.
He was going round asking people if they would iron his shirt for him. I said no, but half an hour later he was still asking so I took pity on him and ironed his shirt. Nothing says “slave” more than working in a shop and ironing your manager's shirt.
I feel, not downtrodden, but like I shouldn't have done it. But the fact is I offered to and I really didn't mind, and now I don't owe him that drink. He appreciated it anyway...or maybe that was just last nights alcohol.
But really it was just an opportunity to get out of doing the same monotonous jobs I do every day I'm in work. I just swapped one chore for another, only this one I hadn't done 50 million times before and it was a bit of a relief.
That really sums up retail. I chose ironing over people. Analyze that!
He was going round asking people if they would iron his shirt for him. I said no, but half an hour later he was still asking so I took pity on him and ironed his shirt. Nothing says “slave” more than working in a shop and ironing your manager's shirt.
I feel, not downtrodden, but like I shouldn't have done it. But the fact is I offered to and I really didn't mind, and now I don't owe him that drink. He appreciated it anyway...or maybe that was just last nights alcohol.
But really it was just an opportunity to get out of doing the same monotonous jobs I do every day I'm in work. I just swapped one chore for another, only this one I hadn't done 50 million times before and it was a bit of a relief.
That really sums up retail. I chose ironing over people. Analyze that!
Neither the time nor the place
09/08/08 10:17 Filed in: Stories
Saturday 2nd August
Today I had not so much a sleazy ass customer but, well, I don’t know what to call him. He’d come in to ask if we had a certain size canvas and then he started telling me all about his art. I’ve seen him a few times before, he used to come in and have a chat with the former department manager, who was also an artist of sorts.
He’s originally from Africa and mustn’t be a bad artist as he’s had a few exhibitions and the odd elite customer, but he’s currently studying at uni here - a non-art related subject, which you could tell was depriving him of time to indulge in his artistic expression. He seemed to think that because I worked on Arts & Crafts, and because I was showing an interest, he’d found a kindred spirit.
I hinted that I really should get back to work so he had to take his chance.
“Do you mind if I, how do you say....ask you out?”
(I though okay, this is totally innocent but I’ll feign ignorance anyway.)
“Um...sure.”
“On a date?”
(Crap!)
“Not so much on a date. As friends.”
“Oh...okay. Can I give you my number?”
“Okay.”
(He writes down his number but I do not reciprocate.)
“So next time I’m in ******** I’ll let you know. But right now I’d better get back to work.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Phew! Poor guy. I bet the eavesdropping customers had a right laugh. As nice as the guy is to talk to, he has to go down on the list of customers to avoid now.
Today I had not so much a sleazy ass customer but, well, I don’t know what to call him. He’d come in to ask if we had a certain size canvas and then he started telling me all about his art. I’ve seen him a few times before, he used to come in and have a chat with the former department manager, who was also an artist of sorts.
He’s originally from Africa and mustn’t be a bad artist as he’s had a few exhibitions and the odd elite customer, but he’s currently studying at uni here - a non-art related subject, which you could tell was depriving him of time to indulge in his artistic expression. He seemed to think that because I worked on Arts & Crafts, and because I was showing an interest, he’d found a kindred spirit.
I hinted that I really should get back to work so he had to take his chance.
“Do you mind if I, how do you say....ask you out?”
(I though okay, this is totally innocent but I’ll feign ignorance anyway.)
“Um...sure.”
“On a date?”
(Crap!)
“Not so much on a date. As friends.”
“Oh...okay. Can I give you my number?”
“Okay.”
(He writes down his number but I do not reciprocate.)
“So next time I’m in ******** I’ll let you know. But right now I’d better get back to work.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Phew! Poor guy. I bet the eavesdropping customers had a right laugh. As nice as the guy is to talk to, he has to go down on the list of customers to avoid now.
Yeah? Show me the money!
09/08/08 00:06 Filed in: Stories
Last Friday night I sat off and made glow stick jewelry with another member of staff, and wore a flat cap for some time, as well as opening a poker game, and a bingo roller, and a make your own farm animals kit...ok, we did a lot of stuff we shouldn’t have been doing.
But while we were pretending to work we were approached by a foreign guy who wanted to know the specifications of some wind up head torch, something we knew nothing about. He wanted to open it but it was in heat sealed plastic packaging so we said he couldn’t if he wasn’t going to buy it. My colleague also said to him that if we let every customer open anything they wanted, we wouldn’t make any money, lose our jobs and end up poor, to which he replied: “Yeah, show me a poor person in England.”
I nearly wet myself. He was cool though, he wasn’t uptight or anything, and he didn’t buy the torch. I’m still laughing now.
But while we were pretending to work we were approached by a foreign guy who wanted to know the specifications of some wind up head torch, something we knew nothing about. He wanted to open it but it was in heat sealed plastic packaging so we said he couldn’t if he wasn’t going to buy it. My colleague also said to him that if we let every customer open anything they wanted, we wouldn’t make any money, lose our jobs and end up poor, to which he replied: “Yeah, show me a poor person in England.”
I nearly wet myself. He was cool though, he wasn’t uptight or anything, and he didn’t buy the torch. I’m still laughing now.
Self-help Accessory
22/06/08 22:21 Filed in: Stories
If you’ve ever visited the Facebook group: “Fuck the customers”, then you’ll recognise this-
I had such a bad week a while back that I thought “Right, I’m getting myself one of those badges!”, with the intention of wearing it under my jumper so that I could look at it whenever I got frustrated with a customer. It would serve to reaffirm my belief that most customers are dumb, unthinking and nearly always in the wrong. And it worked!
So, how did I go about getting hold of one of these badges?
First stop - Etsy.
Etsy is like eBay but exclusively for stuff thats been handmade, and most sellers will do custom orders so it was simply a case of finding someone who offered to make custom badges.
I found BarrelOfMonkeys.
They also sell badges that say “I will start being nicer if you start being smarter” and “WTF?”, which thinking about now, I should have also bought because they’re both just as relevant.
So I messaged them my request and the next week I was smugly, secretly, wearing this little morale-saver.
Now that its summer though, I’v not been wearing my jumper so haven’t been able to wear the badge. Fortunately, I’v not had too many bad customers.
They’re still around, I’v just done a good job of avoiding them.
I had such a bad week a while back that I thought “Right, I’m getting myself one of those badges!”, with the intention of wearing it under my jumper so that I could look at it whenever I got frustrated with a customer. It would serve to reaffirm my belief that most customers are dumb, unthinking and nearly always in the wrong. And it worked!
So, how did I go about getting hold of one of these badges?
First stop - Etsy.
Etsy is like eBay but exclusively for stuff thats been handmade, and most sellers will do custom orders so it was simply a case of finding someone who offered to make custom badges.
I found BarrelOfMonkeys.
They also sell badges that say “I will start being nicer if you start being smarter” and “WTF?”, which thinking about now, I should have also bought because they’re both just as relevant.
So I messaged them my request and the next week I was smugly, secretly, wearing this little morale-saver.
Now that its summer though, I’v not been wearing my jumper so haven’t been able to wear the badge. Fortunately, I’v not had too many bad customers.
They’re still around, I’v just done a good job of avoiding them.
Good engrish is not an excuse
21/06/08 22:17 Filed in: Stories
I was messaging a school/college friend yesterday and I let him know about my little blog, to which he said “You sound very angry, I suggest therapy”.
But he did send me this little conversation he had with a customer:
Customer: “Do you sell any flip knives”
Me: “Yes, we've got a couple. Here...”
Customer: (Looks at them, then looks at me) “Will these cut through seatbelts?”
Me: “Erm, I guess so. You can always buy one, try it and if it doesn't cut through a seatbelt, then you can bring it back.”
Customer: “Right, ok. I'll try it, it's just that I really need it for tonight”
What the hell? Why would you need to cut through a seatbelt? That’s one weird stag do.
He (school/college friend) also said “You can’t blame crappy customers if you have signs like these-”
Good point, but there’s no excuse for the crappy customers I get, seeing as I don’t work in a Chinese Restaurant.
Lol, thanks x
www.engrish.com
But he did send me this little conversation he had with a customer:
Customer: “Do you sell any flip knives”
Me: “Yes, we've got a couple. Here...”
Customer: (Looks at them, then looks at me) “Will these cut through seatbelts?”
Me: “Erm, I guess so. You can always buy one, try it and if it doesn't cut through a seatbelt, then you can bring it back.”
Customer: “Right, ok. I'll try it, it's just that I really need it for tonight”
What the hell? Why would you need to cut through a seatbelt? That’s one weird stag do.
He (school/college friend) also said “You can’t blame crappy customers if you have signs like these-”
Good point, but there’s no excuse for the crappy customers I get, seeing as I don’t work in a Chinese Restaurant.
Lol, thanks x
www.engrish.com
i wud like to see ur suprvisr
04/06/08 00:35
If the Wealseys went camera shopping...
04/06/08 00:34
Injuring the customers
04/06/08 00:28 Filed in: Stories
It’s not something I do on purpose, but it is funny when it does happen. Like last summer we had some of the patio furniture on display outside and on a really windy day one of the garden swings blew over and hit a woman. I might have had an ounce of compassion had she not made such a poor attempt at being injured. I might have actually believed her had the swing been made out of something more substantial and with a little bit more weight behind it than aluminium! It would also have helped her act if she knew where the pain was coming from. I know she got hit on the upper arm because I saw it, and yet she limped around clutching her wrist! Her husband came in demanding to see the manager, claiming he was going to have to take her to hospital. All that happened was we filled out an accident report and then they walked off absolutely fine. I don’t think we even gave them vouchers. They were after something though.
Another time was when I elbowed a woman in the shoulder as I turned round (I’d had my arm raised, she wasn’t just 4ft tall). She started wincing and sighing and rubbing her shoulder. I had apologized straight away but she didn’t even acknowledge me. Unless her fleece was lined with drawing pins or something, there was no way she had felt any pain, ’cause I’l be honest with you, getting hit by me is like having a fly bump into you. I weigh like 110lbs and she was built like a brick shit house, so all pretense of pain only made me want to retract my apology more or wish I’d turned round with a bit more urgency. I just walked off. If she’d wanted any help, she wasn’t getting it.
There’s also been more than one incident where small children have come along, decided that they like the look of the escalators and shoved their little fingers into that small hole around where the black hand rail disappears into the inner workings of the escalator. Some got lucky and escaped with just dirty fingers and blisters but I think one boy might have even broken his finger. I say might have because I wasn’t there to see but I was told it came out at a very odd angle. That’ll learn him! And his stupid parents!
I think there was another incident where a woman managed to cut herself on something. It bled quite a lot but she was totally fine about it, didn’t try to blame it on anything or anyone. We looked after her and everything. The one customer who actually had a right to cause a fuss was the only one who didn’t. It’s stuff like this that keeps me from losing faith in humanity completely.
Another time was when I elbowed a woman in the shoulder as I turned round (I’d had my arm raised, she wasn’t just 4ft tall). She started wincing and sighing and rubbing her shoulder. I had apologized straight away but she didn’t even acknowledge me. Unless her fleece was lined with drawing pins or something, there was no way she had felt any pain, ’cause I’l be honest with you, getting hit by me is like having a fly bump into you. I weigh like 110lbs and she was built like a brick shit house, so all pretense of pain only made me want to retract my apology more or wish I’d turned round with a bit more urgency. I just walked off. If she’d wanted any help, she wasn’t getting it.
There’s also been more than one incident where small children have come along, decided that they like the look of the escalators and shoved their little fingers into that small hole around where the black hand rail disappears into the inner workings of the escalator. Some got lucky and escaped with just dirty fingers and blisters but I think one boy might have even broken his finger. I say might have because I wasn’t there to see but I was told it came out at a very odd angle. That’ll learn him! And his stupid parents!
I think there was another incident where a woman managed to cut herself on something. It bled quite a lot but she was totally fine about it, didn’t try to blame it on anything or anyone. We looked after her and everything. The one customer who actually had a right to cause a fuss was the only one who didn’t. It’s stuff like this that keeps me from losing faith in humanity completely.
How to write a letter of complaint in style
04/06/08 00:25 Filed in: Rants
This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. I’m sure most people have probably seen it already. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
So the general consensus is that’s it’s a pretty funny letter, but I’m only laughing at her. I have never had such problems while surfing the crimson waves, but if that’s how bad it can get then eureka!, maybe I should just offer every bad-tempered woman who comes in the shop some Ibuprofen, preferably 9 or more. Not only does she make herself look a fool, but she tries to drag the rest of the female of the species down with her. I especially like the last paragraph: “Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits“. I would pay $8 to get rid of this customer, and I’m sure Mr Thatcher cares just as much about her friggin’ $8. She sounds like a woman on the edge, and if she transforms into an inbred hillbilly with knife skills every month then she certainly has my sympathy. I just wish she’d chosen a more diplomatic way to go about expressing her views on having a happy period, even if it was just for her own sake.
The customer is not always right, Wendi. Period!
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
So the general consensus is that’s it’s a pretty funny letter, but I’m only laughing at her. I have never had such problems while surfing the crimson waves, but if that’s how bad it can get then eureka!, maybe I should just offer every bad-tempered woman who comes in the shop some Ibuprofen, preferably 9 or more. Not only does she make herself look a fool, but she tries to drag the rest of the female of the species down with her. I especially like the last paragraph: “Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits“. I would pay $8 to get rid of this customer, and I’m sure Mr Thatcher cares just as much about her friggin’ $8. She sounds like a woman on the edge, and if she transforms into an inbred hillbilly with knife skills every month then she certainly has my sympathy. I just wish she’d chosen a more diplomatic way to go about expressing her views on having a happy period, even if it was just for her own sake.
The customer is not always right, Wendi. Period!
